This is me venting....

Ever feel like people don't try to listen or even care to acknowledge what you have to say? That your voice is somehow in some way insignificant and trivial in comparison to what someone else has to say? I've felt like this for a while now and I, within the past two nights, I have hit my breaking point, sending me into this funk and depression that I haven't experienced in such a long while. And to think, its my two best friends at home who've done this to me. Because of their inability to consider for once what I may think or have to say, I am left in a silent state of tears in my room, suppressing whatever anger and sadness i may feel so as not hurt anybody else's feelings. And for what? Just to keep feeling like a body taking up space in this world without a purpose because I can't get up the nerve to say how i really feel so that i don't hurt someone else's feelings? Bullshit, complete bullshit. I have no clue why I've done this to myself and I'm tired of it and refuse to submit to it any longer. No one should ever make you feel less of a person and my two friends, the two people who have been there through ALL of my trials and tribulations through the years (and me for every single one of theirs) are the last people I would imagine would do this to me. Leaving me at 1 in the morning, listening to Queen's Who Wants to Live Forever, crying silently to myself because the lyrics make my heart ache, considering for myself "who waits forever ever anyway?" I can't really explain what this song does for me, probably the most depressing and beautiful Queen song ever written, brings me to tears no matter where i am when i hear it simply because it makes me consider my own existence and self worth. Yet somewhere in the lyrics I find some semblance of hope, I am stronger than this and will be able to find that one sweet moment that is set aside for me. Usually, when i cry because of this song its because of this beauty and its ability to say so simply exactly how I feel but lately it has made my cry from pain. And it's not fair.

It was two nights ago that I had this revelation about them and this self crisis began. I was sitting in Evan's living room with him and sean, watching The Dirty Dozen and talking. But i noticed something that I've made myself blind to for far too long. They start to talk about something they know I can't have any impute on (the comic book they're writing together, the video games they play). Now I have no problem with their doing this but its when I DO TRY to say something to enter the conversation, they ignore it completely, and that bothers me. But it didn't stop there. I would start to talk about something important to ME that I want to express to them and one of them will cut me off and start up the conversation I can't join, leaving my thought waiting in this void, never able to escape and be heard again. It doesn't matter what I may have to say, significant, stupid, or funny, they cut me off. Then once they finish whatever was so important to them they ask "oh yea, what did you say jess?" All i can ever muster is "nothing important no worries." NOTHING IMPORTANT? No matter what I have to say, no matter what it is, if its important even for me to say it should be important enough for them to want to fucking listen to it the first time around. When i left, I drove home fighting back tears. I shouldn't have to do that.

It was last night that I completely had it. Iwi had came to visit for the day and night. I was so excited to see her and have her meet the two people I have told her so much about and vice versa. But what did they do? They did the same thing they do to me to her, made no effort to talk to her or get to know her in the slightest. I was so hurt that they couldn't give up their video games for one night to try and get to know this person that means so much to me. Getting them out to a bar just to sit around and talk was like pulling teeth. Evan's gf sydney was the godsend for the night, being the only one to talk, ACTUALLY talk to Iwi. Evan and Sean sat there mumbling to each other as Sean ate sugar packets because that was more interesting to them then talking to the rest of us. I don't even think those two boys could tell you where Iwi is from, that's how much they tried to get to know her. I was embarrassed by them and above all pissed off. Funny enough, we ran into Lucy Arnold in the bar because she lives in Princeton and went to the school across the street from mine, and we we're talking to with her. Close to when we we're going to leave, Iwi got up to say good bye to her, since she knew her a lot better than i ever did. While Iwi was gone the two boys sat there and then Sean after a bit said "when are we finally gonna leave?" Then evan said "As soon as kiwi or whatever her name is comes back." I broke. I completely broke at that point, biting back with "Thanks a lot guys. Her name is Iwi, you should know that. I am pissed right now." They looked at me like I was nuts. I told them that I felt like they made no effort to talk to her and they sat there in silence for several minutes, looking bored out of their minds. Finally, I got up and said "I'll go get Iwi so you can leave. Don't worry" followed by an exchange that can be be summed up as lame attempts to make me not feel like i had to get her and me bitterly saying over and over again, "oh no, don't bother."

I was crushed, completely crushed. How dare you treat my friend, one of my closest, like that EVER? How...dare...you? Writing this right now I'm crying thinking of how little they consider what I feel or think and more importantly, how Iwi must have felt to have two people treat her as if she was some random person. I am so annoyed, so incredibly hurt and feel as if what I think or feel means nothings. I mean nothing to them. If i did, they wouldn't have acted like complete assholes. My entire existence was belittled by these two jackasses and then they had the nerve to do it to Iwi. I have a voice, i have opinions, and above all, i have feelings that should be respected. And right now, I feel like shit under their shoes.

So much has been rambling around my head lately and I'm just confused about so much. I hate this feeling and I don't know how i got back here, having worked so hard to get myself out of my deep depression. Don't worry, it's not as bad as it has been, no where near, but i know this feeling, that feeling right before everything snowballs out of control. I had to write this to stop that snowball and I needed other people to know what I'm thinking because I know that all of you do care and have and listen to what i have to say. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart.