Why haven't I taken my turn?

Thursday morning, and something loud pushes me from under the thick blanket of my dreaming to the reality of light drifting past my curtains and shining into my eyes. It isn't my alarm clock; I hadn't set it since a late meeting earned me an opportunity to sleep in. It is the loud gush of air cycling through a vacuum cleaner clattering up the stairs under the guidance of Shayla, the cleaning lady. Worse than being woken up is the knowledge that I will soon need to tiptoe around my own house, wondering guiltily if my room is more messy than usual, feeling awkward that we can afford to have someone clean the house for us, avoiding contact with the women while simultaneously avoiding the contact of my bare feet on a mopped, wet, floor. Because even though these women have been coming to the house to clean for almost as long as I remember, even though they've seen me in my PJs and accidently while changing and when I've been sick in bed or just being plain lazy, I still don't know how to act around them.

But then I'm eating my customary bowl of Cap'n Crunch, comics in hand, feet tucked up and away from the water on the floor, and Shayla walks in to say hello. With Shayla, it's different. She worked at our house when it was just her, before she started her own company and sent other people to come clean up our mess. I like talking with Shayla, even if I get intimidated when she tries to get me to speak in Spanish. She is one of the wisest women I know, and has done more to change the world than I've ever attempted.

Today, Shayla asks me about school, my internship, and then goes off on a ramble about how I am going to make something of myself, am going to change the world, am going to see the problems, find the solutions, and bring about change. "I tell my other customers, Amanda, ever since she was little - she was always reading. That girl, she's going to do something, she's going to be someone" she says, as I blush and try to stammer out an appropriate response. Because she expects so much, because she puts so much faith in me, because by her very words she is pushing me to act now, do now, change NOW.

Shayla talks knowledgeabley about global warming, about the government, about education, about the environment, about taking responsibility for your actions. She talks about how she started a recycling program at her children's school, about giving valuable advice to a sustainable living architect, about bringing her children to a farm to teach them what slavery would have been like. Shayla is one of the brightest, strongest, wisest women I know, and she had nothing resembling the kind of life I am currently living.

I told Shayla I was frustrated that I felt I couldn't do anything NOW, couldn't change things right away, had to follow the proper course before making a difference in the world. She told me that all of this was necessary, that you need to prepare before you can take on the world. But in my heart I feel that I'm not doing enough. I feel a selfishness and self-absorbtion that not even promises to the future can sweep away. And I'm not saying any of this to be reassured. I'm saying it to get it off my chest, but hopefully not so much as to forget it all.